Finding out your pregnant again after a pregnancy loss can bring up all kinds of emotions. You may feel excited, terrified, anxious, sad, guilt, or too afraid to even be excited or happy.

Being happy and excited can feel scary or unsafe because that means you could get attached. What if you lose this baby too? What if the same thing happened that happened last time or even worse? At what point will you feel comfortable and just enjoy this pregnancy? When will it be okay to relax?

These questions as well as all of the emotions are totally and completely normal. In fact, they are super common and something I see a lot! Pregnancy loss is a very unique type of loss. It is unique in that it is a loss of someone that you have never met, the loss of what could have been, who this baby could have been, what your family could have been, and everything you envisioned that future to be. It can be a loss of feeling confident in your body’s ability to house and grow a human being. The very natural thing we are taught and socialized to believe is our purpose. This type of loss can turn your whole world upside down, regardless of when the loss occurred and how far along a woman was.

It is so important to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your previous pregnancy. Really allow yourself to feel all the feelings that come up and don’t run from them or brush them off or try to just keep pushing forward. It’s also important to remember that grief isn’t linear and it isn’t just about going through stages. In fact, grief can be quite messy and doesn’t always fit neatly into categories,boxes, or stages.

Seeking professional help with a clinician who specializes in maternal mental health or perinatal mental health, grief and loss, or trauma, could help you process and really acknowledge the feelings associated with this loss and be able to be more present for this pregnancy and all the ups and downs that may come along with it. Be honest with yourself and don’t force yourself to try to feel anything you think you should be feeling. Giving space for these feelings is critical in healing. It’s okay to feel anxious. It’s okay to be nervous. It’s even okay to be excited! Sometimes giving space for these emotions means giving them less power and can make them less consuming as a whole. But fully grieving the loss and possibly even working through or reprocessing any trauma associated with the loss is also crucial.

Seeking out professional help can be so helpful. EMDR therapy is a form of trauma therapy that can be incredibly helpful in processing previous losses, especially if they were traumatic and still cause a lot of pain and distress. Allowing yourself to grieve and REALLY grieve as well as heal any past trauma that has remained stuck can not only be remarkably healing but also allow you to be present in this current pregnancy and beyond. You deserve to feel good about this pregnancy and embrace it (to whatever extent feels comfortable to you, of course!). Regardless of how you choose to grieve, heal, and be in this pregnancy, know that your feelings are valid and your loss and what you experienced deserves to take up space in whatever way feels right to you.

Pro tips: When you are ready, some people find it helpful to honor the baby they lost. Ways to honor baby can be different and varies person to person. Here are some common ideas:

• Celebrating baby’s birthday each year

• Naming baby

• Having a funeral or burial if that feels right to you

• Talk to others about this baby

• Do something special or that feels right on your due date

• Write a letter to this baby

• Lantern ceremony

• Light a candle for baby and any other loved ones who have passed

*Please note: if none of these feel right to YOU, that is OKAY! Grief is a personal experience and unique to every individual. You are not doing it wrong.