The Loneliness of Motherhood: Why It Happens and How to Find Connection
Earlier this week, I posted something on social media about the loneliness of motherhood, and it resonated with so many moms. The comments and conversations that followed made one thing abundantly clear—so many of us feel this way, but we don’t always talk about it.
Motherhood is often portrayed as this beautiful, joy-filled experience (and don’t get me wrong, it is), but what people don’t always tell you is how lonely it can be. You can be surrounded by tiny humans all day and still feel completely isolated. You can love your kids more than anything and still miss the version of yourself that had uninterrupted thoughts and deep, meaningful conversations.
So, let’s talk about it.
Why does motherhood feel so lonely sometimes, and what can we do about it?
Why Is Motherhood So Lonely?
1. Your Social Life Changes Overnight
Before kids, it was easy to grab dinner with friends, have long phone calls, or plan last-minute weekend getaways. After kids? Not so much. Even when you do make plans, someone needs a diaper change, a nap, or a snack approximately every three minutes. Friendships start to feel like a series of “We should catch up soon!” messages that never actually happen.
2. You're Always “On”
Motherhood is a 24/7 job, and the mental load is real. You’re constantly thinking about meal planning, doctor’s appointments, school paperwork, and that thing you were definitely supposed to do but now can’t remember. There’s little time left for yourself, let alone meaningful connection with others.
3. You Feel Like No One Gets It
Even when you’re surrounded by people, you might feel like no one truly understands what you’re going through. Your partner, family, and childless friends might love you deeply, but unless they’ve been in your shoes, they might not fully grasp the exhaustion, the emotional rollercoaster, or the way your identity has shifted.
4. Mom Guilt Keeps You Stuck
Taking time for yourself can feel selfish, even though logically, you know it’s not. But that guilt—that nagging voice telling you that you should be spending every moment with your kids—makes it harder to reach out, schedule plans, or even just admit that you’re struggling.
The Science Behind Loneliness in Motherhood
Experts in psychology and maternal mental health have studied why moms feel so isolated. According to Dr. Alexandra Sacks, a reproductive psychiatrist, the transition to motherhood (often called matrescence) is as significant as puberty in terms of identity shifts. Moms experience hormonal changes, brain rewiring, and emotional adjustments that can make them feel disconnected from their previous selves.
Additionally, research shows that loneliness isn’t just an emotional experience—it’s a biological response. A study from the University of California found that chronic loneliness triggers the same stress response as physical pain. This means that feeling isolated isn’t just hard emotionally; it can also impact your mental and physical health, increasing stress, anxiety, and even depression.
How to Combat the Loneliness of Motherhood
1. Find “Your People” (Even If It’s Online)
Motherhood is easier when you have a community that gets it. If in-person friendships are hard to maintain right now, online connections can be just as powerful. Mom groups, virtual therapy sessions, and social media communities can provide the support and solidarity you need.
2. Be Honest About How You Feel
Loneliness thrives in silence. The more we pretend everything is fine, the more isolated we feel. It’s okay to admit that you’re struggling. In fact, opening up about it can be the very thing that helps you reconnect—with yourself and with others.
3. Make Small, Intentional Efforts to Connect
Connection doesn’t have to mean elaborate girls’ nights or weekend getaways. It can be as simple as texting a friend when you think of them, scheduling a short coffee date, or even chatting with another mom at the playground instead of scrolling on your phone.
4. Prioritize Your Mental Health
Therapy isn’t just for crisis moments—it’s for maintaining your well-being. If loneliness is starting to feel overwhelming, therapy (especially EMDR therapy) can help. EMDR is particularly effective for processing feelings of isolation, mom guilt, and the emotional weight of motherhood. Therapy intensives can also provide a deeper level of support when you need it most.
We’re All in This Together
If this post hits home for you, I want to remind you that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. So many moms are dealing with the same struggles and often wonder if they're the only ones facing these tough moments. When we open up and share our stories, we help each other realize that we’re never meant to go through this alone.
If you need someone to lean on, I’m here for you. And if you're just looking for a little reassurance today, take a deep breath, mama—you’re doing better than you think.
